Our goal with communication is to deliver a message to the other
person, but many obstacles can hinder us and the other from this happening. I'd
like to guide you through all the layers where communication does not reach its
purpose.
Vocal
communication and meta communication
Words are only the tip of the iceberg. My vocal communication
(tone, volume, and speed of my voice) and my metacommunication (gestures, mimic,
posture, distance from the other) create a message in the listener which
outweigh the sentences I say. In an emotionally heated situation, only 7
percent of the words spoken make up for the understanding that's perceived by
our partner. The more in sync your words, vocal and metacommunication are, the
better the comprehension.
If I request something in an angry manner, it's no surprise that
their counter-emotions (anger or anxiety) will occupy them rather than performing the requested task.
Thoughts differ from what we end up saying
Now that I'm aware of my non-verbal communication, it's
important to catch myself before speaking. I intend to pass a certain message
to the other, however, I might not actually say what I've intended to say. I
could have chosen inappropriate words or couldn't express myself precisely—the
spoken word can vary greatly from the thoughts formulated beforehand.
My son to his father: You said you take this toy apart to fix it
but to be exact you should have said: I take this toy apart to see whether I
can fix it or not.
Do you remember the whispering game we used to play as kids? We
stood in a line and passed on a message whispering it into the ear of the one
standing next to us. The last one to receive the message would say it
aloud—amusement was guaranteed. Many times the environment isn't suitable to
pass the message properly: I need to whisper or there's much noise around
outside or inside (the lack of attention or busyness of the other I consider to
be inner noise). Important messages deserve to be said in a quiet setting to an
attentive listener.
Talking about an important issue is meaningless on a busy street
or during an engaging game.
My partner's part in our communication
Let’s suppose I had it all right: integrity in my verbal and
non-verbal communication, the perfect match between my intended and actual
words and the environment was undisturbed. My message can still be
misinterpreted.
My partner views the world according to a particular set of
filters unique to her / him, and my message will go through these filters
before comprehension takes place. The filter(s) might simplify, complicate,
distort or dramatize my words—and I don't have much influence here. I can
prepare by heeding my partner’s biases, preconceptions, values or needs, and
choose my words accordingly, but still the words she / he hears will undergo a
process unknown to me.
Kids amplify situations that could be of challenge to them (a
longer hike, a new place to visit, an unknown environment), so upon introducing
such a situation, make sure to connect
it with something familiar to them.
Lastly, my partner will create meaning out of my words. This
meaning will be in line with her / his perception of the world, it will be in
her / his realm of understanding. The process of interpretation can also
distort the original message I want to pass on.
The answer I get here: Gee, I didn't know you wanted me to clean
that spilled milk on the floor!
Alright, I need to expand their realm of understanding to
cleaning as well. A new training program needs to be designed.
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